This is so rich. It turns out if you have a really big important company you don't have to pay people who perform services for you, at least not on time. And it's all because of
reporting policies – imagine that! This is all so well encapsulated in some emails I have that I'll just post them here. They're a bit modified, of course, so no one loses business or employment over it.
The first email was sent after said accountant returned my call requesting payment for a short consulting job (less than $5,000.00 worth of work) which I had an associate perform in October. At the time I called, the bill was 15 days late on a purchase order with NET 45 terms. I asked the person to respond via email since I received the call in the car.
"Per our conversation, your invoice #XXXXX dated 10/XX/06 for $X,XXX.XX, would normally be paid by our terms of which would be due December XX, 2006. Due to a Corporate Directive during the month of December, XYZ Company suspends vendor payments for fiscal reporting purposes. Our payment schedule will continue the first week of January 2007. I appreciate your concern and thank you for your patience. Please contact me if you have any further questions."
Gonna have to get me one of them thar' Corporate Die-rectives!! They come in handy.
I replied ever so politely and blind copied it to my contact at the client company. He was a bit embarrassed and shot me this apology and, uh, sarcastic yet accurate "translation":
"I think the translation goes something like this.
We don’t care about the cash flow of other businesses; we want to try to bogusly inflate our bottom line by a few nickels by not entering liabilities into the system and try to reach our goals by hook or by crook.
I wonder how many raw material vendors they are holding payment on? I think I am going to cut and paste her response and send it off to all of my utilities and car loan holders this month. Sorry about that, but it appears we are probably no different than any other billion dollar corporation that you deal with."
I felt bad for him since it was in no way his fault; I sent this reply:
"Thanks; humans invented greed, but it seems that large corporations sure are working night and day to perfect it. Don’t worry about me – I wouldn't be in this business if I didn't have a bullet-proof sense of humor about this kind of nonsense. Honestly, the accountant sounded oh, so sensible on the phone, but I requested this email. I’m glad – though amazed – that I got it; seeing it in black & white is nothing short of High Comedy. Your remark was my immediate thought also, i.e., to put off paying my phone and rent bill as part of a new 'Fiscal Policy Initiative'. We could guess how well that sh*t would float!
Rest assured that ____ was paid within a week of the excellent work she performed for XYZ Company. As for me, business is good and my kids will not be lacking any 'Figgie pudding' this Christmas, regardless of corporate Scrooges, multi-national Grinches or the morbid Mr. Potters of a shadowy Industrial Complex.
So please don’t be embarrassed on account of their treatment of 'the little guy'. The Whos down in Whoville will be sated with plenty of Roast Beast this year.
Merry Christmas!"
The only thing I'll add here is this. I've known cases where consultants have, maybe rightly, flipped out when they were not paid on time. Generally that doesn't help much. Hopefully we can find clever and creative ways to shed some light on these unfair practices and show these companies to be the schoolyard bullies that they are. I choose to do that with humor – it's legal ... right?
The inimitable Anthony Sacramone from First Things has provided a great piece of comedy writing regarding the new Rocky movie, Rocky Balboa. It seems as if this latest attempt to milk this tedious Hollywood franchise will spawn as many parodies and late night joke as the last 3 or 4 manifestations. But under the black comedy category:
